Salam,
Taking note,
About oneself, my self
How hard it is to express your thought/feelings about something?
I'm sharing some articles coz i'm one of these people..
Not everyone finds expressing their feelings easy or having it come naturally. While the stereotype is that men have the hardest time expressing their emotions, everyone at one time or another in their life may find it difficult to say how they feel.
Learning why you have trouble expressing your feelings can go a long way into changing that behavior. Saying how you feel is something you can learn how to do, just as readily as you can learn how to fix a faucet or mend a button on a shirt. Here are ten common reasons why people find it difficult to express their emotions to someone else.
1. Conflict Phobia
You are afraid of angry feelings or conflicts with people. You may believe that people with good relationships should not engage in verbal “fights” or intense arguments. In addition, you may believe that disclosing your thoughts and feelings to those you care about would result in their rejection of you. This is sometimes referred to as the “ostrich phenomenon” — burying your head in the sand instead of addressing relationship problems.
2. Emotional Perfectionism
You believe that you should not have feelings such as anger, jealousy, depression, or anxiety. You think you should always be rational and in control of your emotions. You are afraid of being exposed as weak and vulnerable. You believe that people will belittle or reject you if they know how you really feel.
3. Fear of Disapproval and Rejection
You are so terrified by rejection and ending up alone that you would rather swallow your feelings and put up with some abuse than take the chance of making anyone mad at you. You feel an excessive need to please people and to meet what you perceive to be their expectations. You are afraid that people would not like you if you expressed your thoughts and feelings.
4. Passive-Aggressive Behavior
You pout and hold your hurt or angry feelings inside instead of disclosing what you feel. You give others the silent treatment, which is inappropriate, and a common strategy to elicit feelings of guilt (on their part).
5. Hopelessness
You are convinced that your relationship cannot improve no matter what you do. You may feel that you have already tried everything and nothing works. You may believe that your spouse (or partner) is just too stubborn and insensitive to be able to change. These positions represent a self-fulfilling prophecy–once you give up, an established position of hopelessness supports your predicted outcome.
6. Low Self-Esteem
You believe that you are not entitled to express your feelings or to ask others for what you want. You think you should always please other people and meet their expectations.
7. Spontaneity
You believe that you have the right to say what you think and feel when you are upset. (Generally, feelings are best expressed during a calm and structured or semi-structured exchange.) Structuring your communication does not result in a perception that you are “faking” or attempting to inappropriately manipulate others.
8. Mind Reading
You believe that others should know how you feel and what you need (although you have not disclosed what you need). The position that individuals close to you can “divine” what you need provides an excuse to engage in non-disclosure, and thereafter, to feel resentful because people do not appear to care about your needs.
9. Martyrdom
You are afraid to admit that you are angry, hurt, or resentful because you do not want to give anyone the satisfaction of knowing that her or his behavior is unacceptable. Taking pride in controlling your emotions and experiencing hurt or resentment does not support clear and functional communication.
10. Need to Solve Problems
When you have a conflict with an individual (i.e., your needs are not being met), avoiding the associated issues is not a functional solution. Disclosing your feelings and being willing to listen without judgment to the other is constructive.
1. Identifying Your Emotions
Accept your feelings. Before you can do anything else, you have to recognize and accept that you are going to have feelings and that those feelings are okay. What you are going to have to learn is how those feelings operate in your daily life and how you can deal with/express them more productively. Ask yourself the three following questions:[1]
- What is the feeling?
- What is the feeling telling me about the situation?
- Why has this feeling feeling appeared now?
Learn to recognize your feelings. Everyone's way of feeling is different. Sadness, anger, excitement all are presented in different ways for each individual. Taking the time when you're not emotionally triggered to think about your feelings can be useful for when they pop up.
- Try writing down a list of emotions, such as anger, delight, sadness, fear, etc. Think about each one and see when or if, you've experienced those emotions. Make a note of how you feel when you are sad, for example (maybe your throat gets choked up and your lips get tight). This will help you identify the emotion when it happens to you.
- Behaviors like excessive criticism, discounting the positives and focusing on the negative aspects of the situation, passive aggressive behaviors , blaming others, and worries about the future instead of enjoying life can often be signs of withholding anger. You will need to try and trace different feelings back to their source emotion.
Pay attention to your body's response. Your emotions are governed by the limbic system in the brain and and the involuntary, autonomic nervous system. In times of emotional distress you might experience increased heart-rate, increased, shallow breathing, perspiration, and trembling. Your body's reaction to emotion can have very real side effects.[2]
- Pent up emotions damage your physical well-being, so learning to express them is important for your physical health as much as for your mental health.
- When you withhold your feelings it can lead to tension in your muscle groups, neck, back, shoulder, and jaws. You can see when someone's angry the tension that builds in their cheek, their neck, even their pelvic area.
- If you are experiencing increased emotional response that can lead to stress. Stress can cause increased blood pressure, accelerate heart rate and arousal of the sympathetic nervous system, which can weaken your heart.
- Hanging on to feelings can lead to a psychosomatic illnesses like headaches, ulcers, blood pressure, asthma, cardiac problems.
- All this means that your emotions are powerful and communicate with the body. If you deal effectively with your feelings, you are eliminating the potential for harmful, physical side effects.
Interpret your emotional response to events. A good mantra to repeat to yourself is "it isn't the situation, it's my response to the situation that causes problems." Events that you experience are influenced by your own thoughts and experiences, which means that the emotional reaction comes from you.
- You'll need to recognize if your emotional reaction to an event is disproportionate and what the underlying cause might be. For instance, the second person from the example above, might throw a fit because they didn't get the grade they wanted. This is a disproportionate response to the event, probably caused by anxiety and stress.
- Also, you can easily feel multiple emotions about an event at the same time, even ones that might seem contradictory. The first person, above, could be happy that they got an 85%, but still stressed or upset, because they find the subject of the examination difficult.
2. Expressing Your Emotions Appropriately
Practice experimental focus. You need to learn to tune into your body so you understand what it is trying to tell you and how it is reacting to certain circumstances. This means setting aside time to calmly assess and identify your feelings and thought patterns.[3]
- In a comfortable space, relax your body for five to ten minutes and do meditation or calming exercises to relax your muscles.
- Ask yourself: "What am I feeling?" and tune into that place in your body that feels emotional sensations like fear, sadness, anger, etc.
- Calmly listen to what you are feeling, but don't react to it. In this place you are trying to be an observer rather than an active and reactive participant.
- Once you have figured out, somewhat, what you are feeling, ask yourself "where in my body is this feeling?" "What is the shape and texture of this feeling?" "Does this feeling have a color?" Giving concrete form to your feelings, helps you accurately and positively express them.
Consider your options. You need to realize that first and foremost, how you express your feelings is a choice that only you can make. There is no one absolutely true way to express yourself, although there are ways that are harmful both to yourself, and to others.
- Again, there is no right choice, but the first option means that you aren't dealing with the feelings, the second means that you are channeling your unhappiness into a hurtful manner, and the third option opens the both of you up for continued sadness.
Express your emotions verbally. This can mean finding someone you trust to talk out the situation and the accompanying emotions, this can mean writing things down in a journal, or writing poetry. Or it can mean talking with someone who you feel caused you feel sadness, or anger, or other emotion.[4]
- Refer back to the list of different emotions you made and use that to help you determining what it is you're feeling in the moment. It can be very difficult to articulate emotions as they are happening and having a list, or tool can help you sort your feelings out.
- When you're talking to someone who has said something that has hurt you (made you angry, defensive, etc) the best way is to use "I feel..." statements, rather than "You made me feel..." The reasons behind this are manifold: it takes away your own agency (no one can make you feel anything; you are the one who makes you feel something), and it puts the other person on the defensive, shutting down communication, rather than opening it up.
- Sometimes when you are dealing with someone who has said something hurtful, or upsetting, writing out a letter to them, or an email can be useful, as it takes away the immediacy of the hurt, and gives you time to process how you're feeling and how best to make them understand what wasn't okay about what they said or did.
Express your emotions physically. Because our emotions are linked to our physical bodies, using your body to express and diffuse your emotions can be incredibly helpful (think expressions like "jumping for joy," etc).[5]
- If you are struggling to express your sadness, for instance, listening to evocative music, reading a book or poem or watching a movie that invites an emotional response can help release the feelings of sadness you're undergoing.
- Anger is an emotion we often try and are told to hide, but this can lead to anxiety and stress. When you're dealing with someone who has triggered anger in you, expressing your anger on inanimate objects (like a stress ball, or a punching bag) can help alleviate the anger before you speak with them about how they triggered this anger response.
- Likewise, with anger, dealing with a person or situation in a non-accusatory, but assertive manner (not aggressive), will help you more effectively negotiate your feelings of anger.
